Dr. Huizenga here…
If like most, you are here because you suffer in one of these arenas:
Your marriage is in crisis.
Infidelity, divorce, or a recent secret that became a painful reality now haunts you and your marriage.
Your marriage is dying.
Maybe it has been for a long time. The warmth, the tenderness, the acceptance is gone.
It’s emotionally dead and you NOW refuse to live in a dying marriage of quiet desperation.
And, you are afraid.
- Afraid you will lose everything, your lifestyle, your partner, your safety net and maybe the devotion and access to your children.
- Afraid you will never trust again; will NEVER give yourself and be vulnerable to love and intimacy.
- Afraid you are unloveable or perhaps something is wrong with you that you are not able to maintain the love in the marriage.
- Afraid you may spend the rest of your life miserably alone; cynical, jaded and angry.
Fear becomes your content companion.
Fear Resides in EVERY Marriage
Although you may be in crisis or at decision crunch time, please know that fear and the seeds of fear are found in ALL marriages or relationships of emotional investment.
And you say, “Wait a minute! I know this perfect couple who always acts and seems so loving to each other.”
And I say, “Many hours of the 25 thousand I logged as a therapist over the years were with “perfect” couples. Many moaned, “Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. If they only knew!”
And you say, “What about the alpha male who seems fearless and is always in control and successful?”
And I say, “Many hours of the 25 thousand I logged as a therapist were with an alpha male, who when he discovered his wife was cheating, sat on my couch, crying almost uncontrollably, unable to make any decision or take action, scared stiff of what would happen next.”
You are Taught to Fear
Fear becomes a major component of your emotional wiring.
- You fear loss of love, of your marriage, of your family and your lifestyle.
- You fear being inadequate and unworthy.
- You fear being impotent, helpless and a victim.
Marriage is the Place Where Your Deepest Fears are Triggered
Marriage is your emotional learning ground, your laboratory to experiment with loving more deeply, consistently and forever.
When confronted with the true humanity of another you are given the opportunity to face your own fears, the fears of your spouse or partner and overcome those fears, allowing a richer love to emerge.
Where Did the Love Go?
So, what happened?
Where did that initial love you felt and enjoyed so deeply go to?
Where is it now?
How do you get it again?
Your Love Did Not Go Away
Your love is buried and ignored beneath your fear.
You can’t go back to that first love, nor do you want to.
Love Evolves and Develops
To truly love deeply, often and with power, you must understand the development of love in a marriage.
Love is not static.
Love moves through stages and phases.
Here’s an infographic that depicts the 3 Stages of Love
The Return to Romantic Love
When fear spews forth its venom, you are taught, modeled and/or implored to return to Romantic Love.
- Go back and recapture that love is implied or spoken directly by therapists, self help gurus and pop psychology.
- Book a romantic getaway.
- Send flowers and chocolate.
- Set up a date night.
- Meet each others’ needs.
- Solve your financial, children and vocational problems so you can love again.
- Learn communication skills, ways to stimulate his brain and become more sexy, attentive, listening so that romantic love returns.
- Get yourself together. Get therapy. Get over YOUR problems so you are more attractive and love is rekindled.
- Or, trade in models. Get a divorce. Find someone else.
- Or, Find someone else (as in infidelity) to “fall in love” with.
The Return to Romantic Love Doesn’t Work
The strain to recapture Romantic Love may result in temporary relief of the tension generated by the fear.
However, the attempt to recapture love, NEVER touches on the core issues of fear that generated the distance, conflict and avoidance in the first place.
You may find someone else and “fall in love” AGAIN, but you are merely starting over, going back to square one, are guaranteed to AGAIN encounter Fear-Based Love and then, down the road, find yourself AGAIN in pain and dread. Only this time more is at stake and the doubts and fears are MORE pronounced. (90% of those who married their affair partner regret the decision.)
The Move From Fear-Based Love to EASY Love
You are taught illusions and myths about marriage, love and relationships that perpetuate the recycling from Romantic Love to Fear-Based Love, back to Romantic Love, then again to Fear-Based Love and on and on.
Love becomes a chore.
Love becomes a goal.
Love become something you must “Work on.”
Love is Natural
But really, isn’t love supposed to be natural?
Love just is!
And, do you truly trust the power and lasting power of a love that you must “work on?”
Marriage or a relationship of emotional investment is given to you to move from Romantic Love to Fear-Based Love to EASY Love.
This is Nature’s Way!
Marriage is a Gift
Marriage is a gift for you to come together and eventually love that which at times seems so unloveable.
The process of moving from Romantic Love to Fear-Based Love to EASY Love is your contribution to your spouse, yourself, your children and significant others around you.
Key Points of Moving Through the 3 Stages (and Not Regressing to Romantic Love)
1 Your love never did go away. Your love was merely covered and overwhelmed by your fears. The task in your marriage is to get your fears out of the way so, this natural, ever present, desire to bring together Love will emerge.
Get out of the way so it can do its power.
2 Fear is THE underlying feeling.
I’ve written much about fear in this post. What about the other feelings?
I believe their are two basic feelings: fear and anger. All other feelings are children to these parents. And, anger has its roots in fear. You are anger because you are afraid of something.
Once you get at your fears, you are at the bottom of the barrell.
3 Label your fear and it subsides.
A politician was once right: The only thing to fear is fear.
I’ve observed that most reluctantly enter therapy or are hesitant to face their marriage issues or stubbornly resist talking about themselves for fear that they will bump into some dark, ugly almost evil part.
And that part is often their fear… of being alone, of not being unloveable or not measuring up.
It takes energy and power to ignore these fears.
And, almost miraculously; once faced, you feel better, much better!
4 Three basic fears keep you from EASY LOVE.
I outline and put flesh on these fears in the Beginners Module of my Marriage Building Online Course. (But, I’ve hinted at them in this post!)
5 To manage your fears, you typically set goals that attempt to either overcome your fears or move you away from your fears.
These are what I call, “Fear-Based” goals.
These goals keep the fears active and limit you from finding and living in EASY LOVE.
6 You can “let go” of these Fear-Based goals.
Once you let go and give up attaining these goals, you will find a vacuum created in your marriage and life and into that vacuum naturally emerges EASY LOVE.
A couple removes their fearful selves and they find what they’ve always longed for.
This Seems so Simple and Easy
Yes, it is counter-intuitively simple, but far from easy.
95% of how you and your spouse relate to each other occurs on an unconscious level.
You are on auto-pilot and have less control over what you say and do than you might think.
However, addressing the unconscious pushes and tugs can be accomplished and it is not as intimidating as it seems.
What you absorbed from family, friends, the media and institutions flies in the face of that which is truly helpful in creating a great and loving marriage.
You were led down a rabbit hole.
Therefore, there is not much support and helpful guidance around you, including marriage counseling, to move you toward EASY LOVE.
My mission for the past 5 years has been to put together what I’ve learned and experienced working with thousands of couples into a format that I know gets results.
In the Beginners Module of my Marriage Building Intensive Modules…
- you discover the 3 major Fear-Based Factors that destroy marriages
- you learn and begin to implement the 3 EASY LOVE Laws
- the 21 shifts to EASY LOVE offer a framework for change
- You learn “Why Marriages Fail” as I explain the “falling in and out of love” cycles.
In the Intermediate Module…
- you move into detail in understanding your spouse’s patterns and fears
- you begin using the 11 Step FORMULA which transforms your marital life
- the “8 Critical Keys to Saving Your Marriage” becomes your guide
And in the Advanced Module…
- How to kick start EASY LOVE
- How to reconnect and engage in the EASY LOVE way
- 10 Dangerous Ideas About Marriage
- and more…
Now is the Best Time
Are you committed to begin your journey to EASY LOVE?
If so, I want you to sign up below for the FREE Formula on the “9 Step FORMULA for a Loving Marriage.”
These steps condense what I’ve described in this post.
These steps are the simplified version of the “11 Step FORMULA” in the “Intermediate Module” in my Marriage Building Online Course.
The “9 Step FORMULA gives you merely an introduction into a radically new way of thinking, acting and loving within your marriage.
So, sign up now. You have nothing to lose.
WARNING: This is NOT Fluff
I’ve condensed 30 some years as a Marriage and Family Therapist into a doable and effective program.
I’m not interested in putting a Band-aid on your marriage or giving you trite pop psychology advice. I will help you move deeply and touch on the CORE issues which impact every corner of your marriage or relationship.
Sometimes you may scratch your head and question, “What is he getting at?”
Please know that as you gather new information, tools and resources, as you create new brain cells regarding your marriage, the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.
The “9 Steps to a Loving Marriage” is an introduction to my work.
The “9 Steps” is merely the beginning.
You will have opportunities to download and digest more vital information and tools.
If you want to experience EASY LOVE; if you want to move through your marriage crisis quickly and effectively; if you want a marriage or relationship[ where you feel deeply a love that is warm, natural and powerful, that you know will last, then download my FREE “9 Steps to a loving Marriage.”
I look forward to our journey together.
Dr. Bob Huizenga