Dr. Bob Huizenga Here.
I’ve tied together my research and clinical experience as a Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981, outlined step by step what specifically works for couples, and present to you a program to address your marital concerns.
If you are in a downward spiral your marriage is headed for a crash
A marriage is either in an upward spiral, building on your love, trust and understanding of one another or it’s headed in a downward spiral. There’s no in between. (The “in between” would be a symptom of the downward spiral.)
Reflect on this for a minute: Are your times of distress, unhappiness and pain in your relationship:
Often you wait too long. You keep going over the same painful distressful territory, time and time again. Eventually you give up. You shift your focus to your work, your children, your hobbies or something else.
Of course you don’t do this intentionally. It’s more like the proverbial frog in the water who doesn’t feel the heat rising.
And, then one day, all hell breaks loose.
You discover your spouse is having an affair. Your spouse raises the “D” word. The business fails and you blame rather than support. A family crisis rears its head and the two of you can barely manage.
Here’s a fact: Almost all couples who sat down in my office for help waited too long. The pain was incessant. The distance icing. The anger out of control. The cycle so ingrained that each struggled to breath around each other.
They had crashed. And, believe me, most were not pretty pictures.
I don’t want you to wait too long! I don’t want you to crash!
You can prevent your marriage from spiraling down and crashing and it’s easier, less expensive, less time-consuming and less fearful than you think
Ok, here’s the big question: If a relationship of deep emotional investment is so important and you long so desperately for intimacy, understanding and love, why does your marriage spiral downward? (My experience and some studies indicate that 9 out of 10 are unhappy in their marriage.)
I’ve worked intensively with 20 or so distressed couples a week as a therapist since 1981. I’ve researched, studied and was fully licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
I’m at a point in life to be reflective, constructively critical at times, and I want you to offer you a new way.
I don’t want to get too technical. But I need to explain myself just a little.
The concept of Emotional Fusion goes back 40 years or more and has been written about on numerous occasions in the Marital Therapy Field.
Emotional Fusion means two in a relationship are emotionally locked. Each expects the other to make him/her feel better, to meet needs and make life “complete.” Each focuses on the other as the savior or the one responsible.
The cartoon on the right gives a flavor of emotional fusion.
Distance, coolness, reactivity, apathy, consistent conflict, withdrawal and even civil politeness are symptoms of Emotional Fusion.
Emotional Fusion results in:
I don’t want you to be emotionally fused. Instead I want you to be Emotionally Engaged.
There is a HUGE difference.
Most of the world around you clamors to be fused. You hear: “You need to get closer! You must work on the relationship. You must talk it out. You need to recapture the romance. You need marriage counseling. You must meet your spouse’s needs. You must become more attractive. You must not take him/her for granted. Etc.”
And so we spend billions of dollars and countless hours on these very strategies. And yet, the divorce rate hovers at 50%, 9 out of 10 report being unhappy in their marriage and your marriage continues to downward spiral, regardless of your good intentions.
Emotional fusion is seductive. Moving closer, talking it out, getting at feelings, being romantic, meeting the other’s needs seems the logical route, does it not?
If so, why do these strategies, if they work, seem to only alleviate temporarily the pain? Six months down the road, here it comes again: that familiar downward spiral.
These traditional strategies, espoused by many around you, focus on Emotional Fusion, NOT Emotional Engagement.
You need more. You need something that digs beneath the surface.
And, that something is easier, less costly and less fearful than you might imagine.
27 days to move from Emotional Fusion to Emotional Engagement
In 27 days you can reverse the downward spiral, feel the utter relief of the new direction, begin to value your spouse in ways you never thought possible and feel that warmth return when you stand next to your spouse.
You can begin to emotionally ENGAGE your spouse.
“Saving Your Marriage with “Working on it” or “Talking” is a culmination of my life’s study, research and clinical experience with literally thousands of couples.
I give you a visual step by step plan with numerous checklists, charts and exercises throughout the 247 pages.
“Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’” is intentionally designed to speak powerfully to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN, or to those who are pragmatic, tough-minded and leery of “touchy-feely” material.
Here’s a fact: Of the hundreds of couples I’ve counseled face to face since 1981 ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, one spouse (usually the woman) wants to “work on” the marriage more than the other (usually the male.)
You pull, your spouse pushes away. This is guaranteed.
My material was designed with this in mind.
It defies Emotional Fusion.
It respects and values the reluctant spouse.
Your spouse does not want your marriage as badly as you. That is a given.
Learning new tricks, phrases, gimmicks, behavioral changes to MAKE your spouse “work on” the marriage will be futile. You are just driving the important issues underground and in the long run, you will fail…and your marriage will fail!
Understand? Get this? This is important.
Both genders (or types) must be honored and served. This is VITAL if your marriage or relationship is to be healthy, give joy, passion and excitement for the future.
Here’s the 27 Day Chart as outlined in “Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking:”
You Need a Solid Base to Create a Solid Marriage or Relationship
Notice that the chart asks you to spend the first two weeks with the material ALONE.
If your spouse wants to participate, give a copy of “Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking” to your spouse and s/he can go through the material also alone.
If you think the two of you can go through the material together, be very careful. I suggest you jump to Module #7 and identify the type of marriage you have. Go through the material together ONLY if you have a GREEN Marriage. (Only about 10% of couples have a GREEN Marriage.)
If you have a RED Marriage, please do NOT attempt to engage your spouse.
If Yellow, the push-pull game is probably operative. You must first fully address and learn about that issue alone. If not, your relationship will continue to cycle downward.
Taking two full weeks alone is very intentional. You must unlearn a great deal and examine crucial questions; in other words, you and perhaps your spouse must establish your foundation for EFFECTIVE Engagement to occur.
Usually your spouse will join with you after the second week. If your spouse is reluctant, I will help you craft an invitation to engage that holds the best chance of eliciting participation of your spouse.
Areas You MUST Address to Change the Spiral of Your Marriage
The first two weeks of the program are critical in clearing your mind and heart of marital illusions.
You must grasp the reality of what demands to create a successful marriage.
8 Critical Keys to Saving Your Marriage
Key #1: You must unlearn much of what you have learned and absorbed about marriage, love and relationships.
Key #2: You Must Feel Safe with Your Spouse and her/him with You
Key #3: You Must Have Something to Give
Key #4: You Must Speak Your “Voice”
Key #5: You Must Make Distinctions
Key #6: You Must Make Shifts
Key #7: You Must be able to Meta-Comment
Key #8: You must have a process that keeps you focused
You will spend significant time going over exercises and reading about the shifts needed. I give guidance and fill in some of the blanks for you. Here’s a sample chart to guide you:
Learn How to Keep Focused
You know how easily you become distracted in a marriage. Children, work, friends, errands, projects all clamor for your time and energy and you lose that engagement with your spouse.
Module #3 introduces you to the Ground Hog Process, a simple but effective device to keep you on target.
Here’s a threatening question to many: CAN Your Marriage be Saved?
Are you one who out of your fear and power of their personal need system try to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Do you sometimes sense that you are banging your head against a dead marital wall, and yet can’t stop because you fear being alone or at some level “need” the marriage.”
You will examine issues such as:
And, I leave you with two suggestions that will help you move forward.
The Top 10 Ideas Almost Everyone has about Saving a Marriage or Being Married that is Downright DANGEROUS to your Marital Health and Well-being
Here’s where you knock down the illusions, myths and half ‘truths’ you absorbed over the years about love and marriage.
Once you make the mental shifts in these 10 ideas or beliefs, you will have a greater capacity to Emotionally Engage your spouse and less need to Emotionally Fuse and continue the downward spiral.
Rightly so, you will receive a great deal of information on the Yellow Marriage.
You will cover such vital topics as:
I guess that only 10% of the population, at most, has a Green Marriage.
If you test at a Green Marriage, a wealth of in-depth materials are provided to help you deepen and expand your love.
If you test at a Yellow or Red Marriage you will use the material to more clearly form a vision of what is possible and what you would ultimately like to experience in your relationship of deep emotional engagement.
From Fusion to Engagement releases energy, often sexual
I’ve noticed this over and over again for a high percentage of the couples I’ve worked with: once the fusion is broken and a couple begins to experience engagement, a new world of passion and excitement opens.
Some couples report that their sex life was never as powerful, intense, pleasurable or passionate.
A new world opens!
Are you Serious about Saving Your Marriage?
Saving Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust” may not be for you.
Are you truly serious about a significant marital change? Is it time? Are you willing to give in-depth thought to what you want and how to make it happen? Are you determined? Is your longing for love strong?
If you are deadly serious about creating a revitalized marriage, get a copy of “Saving Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust”
If you want gimmicks, marital games to play, tricks or strategies to manipulate your spouse to fit your illusions, or a quick fix without your investment you would be better off going elsewhere.
I ask for your focus for 27 days. I will direct your focus that will touch the basics of creating a powerful, lasting love in which you as a person experience the exponential explosion as well, of your personal power.
Do you want to:
If so, get your copy of Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust”
Changes and Shifts are Radical, Powerful and Lasting
The way you break down negative thoughts, opinions etc into small bits and then suggest a shift to the positive has been invaluable for me in making significant shifts that I know will save my marriage.
Having a voice and making distinctions are tremendously empowering concepts to explore. I didn’t even realize why I was so unhappy with myself and my marriage. It was like two empty people tearing each other apart.
I read this section twice, I really connected with the section describing the process of making finer and finer distinctions, I want this capacity in my life and how I relate to my partner and others. I feel excited to keep moving through the material.
Ha- I skipped ahead the first day to find out what color my marriage was. In the past week, it has moved from yellow to yellowish green. So this stuff has really helped. (even though I now know that nothing “out there” will be the solution.)
Great chapter- this really does make me feel more normal. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that relationships suffer (but then can grow) when one partner goes through a transition- or crisis. I understood that people grow and evolve, but just assumed the relationship would stay constant. Now I realize that relationships need to change as well. I am looking forward to learning to relate in a new way.
I realized that I really do need to work on identifying my needs and wants, values etc. Until I do that I can’t move to the next chapter. And I REALLY wanted to feel normal in just 27 days! (Just kidding- I know this is a process). I am anxious to begin engaging but don’t think I am ready yet.
Little $$ investment, time, energy and sacrifice
Many couples (and individuals) pay me $1,000s of dollars in my private practice to save their marriage.
If you’ve done your research, or have been involved in marital therapy you are aware, this is not out of line.
Seasoned effective therapists ask for $125 to $300 per hour. It adds up; since the first four hours are usually spend establishing rapport. Include also your time away from work, driving to and from the office and the hassle of scheduling and you realize the huge investment demanded.
Imagine the cost of a marriage seminar; hotel, meals, travel, tuition, etc. I need not go further.
I don’t want to bore you with all the energy, time and resources you have invested in the saving of your marriage. You know.
Why am I No Longer in Face-to Face Private Practice?
About 10 years ago I was exposed to the power of the internet.
Instead of reaching 20 couples per week, I could reach 100s PER DAY. That was truly exciting for me. And, my readers and online “clients” gave me feedback!
I was able to create new services and products that were practical, that people truly wanted, that were filled with the wisdom I’ve accumulated over my therapeutic years and were effective in the long term.
(Face-to-face therapy is limiting: Feedback is not encouraged. The focus is often tension reduction. And, insurance companies usually dictate therapy (another story!)
You see, I’m at a point in life in which I need to contribute. (That means I’ve been at this a while!) A part of me is compelled to formulate all that I’ve learned and experienced as a professional and present it to others. It’s a little edgy since it tends to step outside of some culturally defined boxes. This I must do, to be fully me and feel good about my legacy.
You get the best from me. And you get it at a bargain rate. And, you get it conveniently. What more could you want??
All that’s left is for you to dig into the materials and…
After you have completed the 27 day program by answering the surveys at the end of each module and entered your email address and you believe the program has not been helpful, merely email me with that email address and I will double your money back.