What to Do if Your Spouse
Plays Possum
How to Find Life and Love in Your Marriage
Dr Huizenga here.
If you are hurting with a broken marriage and unresponsive spouse, please read this carefully.
I will expose the #1 Factor that KILLS a marriage and offer the Tools and Knowledge to overcome that factor.
Sadly, only 1.2% of the population gets what truly KILLS a marriage (according to my research.)
What Kills Your Marriage is NOT What You Think
Which of these do you think TRULY KILLS a marriage?
- Anger/conflict
- Sex/Porn
- Bad/Hurtful Communication
- Growing Apart
- Money
- Infidelity
The correct answer: none of the above.
The Root Cause, the Killing Factor lies deeper.
Sadly this Killer is not adequately addressed by self help people or even the therapeutic community.
They focus on symptoms or “treatment,” or fixing the problem rather than offering a long lasting cure.
Meet Bear
Before we move deeper, I want to tell you about my dog, Bear.
Bear is an Australian Shepherd, Blue Merle.
Bear is smart and needs plenty of stimulation. He’s laying under my desk as I write this. If I move back to stretch, he will jump up and want to play.
I live by a Nature Preserve and after dark unleash him into the Preserve. He takes off and begins to explore.
The other night I watched as he spied a creature moving in the dark a few yards ahead.
He sprinted to the creature and soon overtook it.
I scurried up and before Bear was an opossum, assuming a dead-like fetal position.
Bear barked at it. Nothing. No movement whatsoever.
Bear sniffed at it, his nose running over the brown hair. Nothing.
Bear took his paw and moved it across the belly. Nothing.
Bear whined, ran around and around the Opossum and Nothing.
He finally got bored, I guess, and took off after something else.
We came back later, and, of course, the opossum was gone.
Opossums truly do “play possum” and they excel at it.
The interaction of Bear and the Opossum reminds me of marriage.
Is Your Spouse Playing Dead?
Your spouse is playing dead.
You’ve poked and podded, barked, ran around and around trying to elicit an emotional connection and Nothing.
Maybe you get anger and drama, but that too seems like a death grip.
You may have tried date nights every Friday night, you have marriage self help books stacked by your bed, you booked a romantic get away, you intentionally tried a highly recommended communication technique for a week and you may have taken the step of seeing a therapist.
And still, they continue to play possum.
Oh, they may pop to life for a while, but before you now it they sit in a corner curled in their fetal position – no life – no connection.
At a minimum you are weary and emotionally drained with the prodding and probing.
You’ve run out of ideas.
And you are perhaps about ready to run down a different trail.
Your Spouse is Merely Wired and Programmed
But, before we get too down on Playing Possum, consider this:
The Opossum merely responds instinctually, to what they have been wired to do to remain alive, and they are very good at it.
And, here’s the kicker: your spouse is merely doing what they have been programmed and wired to do to protect themselves from what they perceive to be emotional hurt, pain or threat.
Your Spouse is
NOT a Bad Person
Far from it.
There is much Love within them, which longs to be expressed – a fundamental belief I’ve developed after working with hundreds of couples. (And, men have just as much desire to experience true love a woman, although it often does not seem like it.)
No Dysfunction… Just Looking for Love
You are not a bad or inadequate person.
You merely want love, and as well, bring with you programming that gets in your way.
Your Marriage is not dysfunctional or broken and in need of “fixing:” it merely is waiting for love to emerge when different “rules” are followed.
There is no badness, dysfunction or pathology.
You, your spouse and your marriage is just STUCK.
Unfortunately, as you keep living by the same “rules” and thinking the same old thoughts about marriage, love and each other you keep recycling the hurt, pain and fears.
And, you are emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, perhaps almost ready to throw in the towel.
Let me assure you: the love and life in your marriage is there – it’s merely covered and waiting for you to discover it.
How You Uncover and Discover Love and Life
in Your Marriage
So, the HUGE question: How Do You Do That????
My approach which developed over the years with over 25,000 intentional hours sitting in my chair, observing, learning and guiding couples as well as piles of books, seminars and professional workshops is different.
The traditional approach starts with the individual and says something is wrong.
- Something is wrong with your spouse, so drag them by the ear into therapy and once “fixed,” your problem will go away. (Ever wonder why some have therapy phobia!!)
- Or, something is wrong with you, so become more attractive and you will win back your spouse.
- Or, you need to perform better, usually sexually or verbally – learn this new technique or skill that will knock the socks off your spouse.
- Or, something is wrong with your marriage, so get counseling, talk about your problems and get your “feelings” out on the table and it will be better
I was trained in Marital and Family Systems Theory (and know it works.)
- Don’t start with the one labeled as “sick.” (Know what happens? The “sick” person controls. Just TRY to make me better! They have an investment in being ‘sick.”)
- Change does not come from an outside source: change comes from within, naturally and easily.
- Who you are is often more important than what you need or what you do.
- Change the “rules” and the marriage (or system) cannot not change.
(BTW, when I served on the State Board for Marriage and Family Therapy in the 90s I saw the shift away from Systems theory to individual theory, even among so called Marriage and Family Therapists – to me, a major reason why the divorce rate is still 50% and 95% of couples are miserable.) More on that later, perhaps.
Over the past 5 years I’ve spent considerable time studying, reflecting and researching my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist and created the “Marriage Building Online Course.”
Find a Deep and Lasting Love in The
Marriage Building Online Course
The Marriage Building Online Course offers Tools, articles, videos, checklists and more that cover the 3 Rs for Marriage Building – Relax, Reprogram and Reconnect.
Here’s a Screenshot of the Marriage Building Online Course and its Modules:
The 3 Rs of Marriage Building
First, you must RELAX
Tension kills a relationship. And you are most tense when you are afraid; afraid of losing, of being inadequate and not being able to love.
The course time after time affirms that you truly are OK, worthy and lovable (and so, BTW, is your spouse.)
You give up the push-pull in the relationship.
You give up the tension and you begin to relax. And, when you do, you welcome a new marriage.
Second, You Must Reprogram
You must build new brain cells that view marriage differently than what you were taught.
Look around you. Look at the marriages. It’s obvious something has gone wrong. Marriage aren’t working.
When you begin to think differently about marriage, love and relationships you begin to feel, think and act differently – in more loving ways.
Third, You Must Reconnect
With fear and tension removed and replaced by ease you are now ready to welcome each other in a relaxed, open, accepting and understanding way.
Your new found freedom creates a vacuum that welcomes a love that is warm, gracious, passionate and ever growing.
This is good!
You will gradually accumulate the wisdom, understanding and tools you need to move through these three stages or phases in the Marriage Building Online Course.
You will move from Beginner to Intermediate to Advanced.
Each level builds upon the other, providing you with a foundation and framework that guarantees a steady and effective rebuilding of you and your marriage or relationship.
Immediate Relief and Fast Results with
the Quick Marriage Turn Around Module.
The Quick Marriage Turn Around Module is your beginning point. Start here and note the changes in your relationship, often within the first 48 hours.
Start Here for Immediate Relief and Quick results
– often within 48 hours
Once you Lessen the Tension and See Changes in the Quick Marriage Turn Around Module, you move to the Marriage Intensive Modules – Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced to lay a Foundation for Lasting Change and Love
What You Will Learn from the
Quick Marriage Turn Around Module
- 49 Questions to Determine Your Level of Safety
- THE Most Powerful Tool to Get Your Spouse to Respond Differently
- How to Refuse to Get “Hooked” by Your Partner
- Cheat Sheet for Identifying Feelings
- Cheat Sheet for Identifying Thoughts
- Case Studies of Results and Relief
- Checklist for Measuring Progress
- 80% get FAST Results with this One Strategy
- How to Change the Rules of Your Relationship
- How to Stick a Fork into Your Tension Balloon
The Marriage Intensive Modules – Begginers, Intermediate and Advanced
What You Will Learn in the Beginners Module
- Understanding Your Spouse – 8 Ways a Spouse Deals with Life
- How to “See Through” Your Partner
- How to Create a Safe Place in Your marriage
- How to Get Rid of the Feeling of Rejection
- The Strength of the Sensitive Person
- When Your Marriage is Most Likely to Fall Apart
- 8 Critical Keys to Saving Your Marriage
- The 3 Stages of Love
- A Safe and Fun Way to reconnect with Your Spouse
What You Will Learn in the Intermediate Module
- Understanding Your Spouse – 8 Ways a Spouse Deals with Life
- How to “See Through” Your Partner
- How to Create a Safe Place in Your marriage
- How to Get Rid of the Feeling of Rejection
- The Strength of the Sensitive Person
- When Your Marriage is Most Likely to Fall Apart
- 8 Critical Keys to Saving Your Marriage
- The 3 Stages of Love
- A Safe and Fun Way to reconnect with Your Spouse
What You Will Learn in the Advanced Module
- The FORMULA – 11 Steps to a Self Healing Marriage
- The FORMULA Demo Videos
- The Red, Yellow and Green Marriages
- The Red Marriage and Abuse
- The Top 10 Dangerous Ideas About Marriage
- How to Shift away from the Pain Toward Acceptance, Understanding and Love
- Engaging Your Spouse – Parts 1-8
- How to Craft and Invitation to Reconnect
- The Powerful Dynamic that Perpetuates Distance
- The Distancing Checklist
Your Marriage is EXTREMELY Valuable
How valuable is a healthy Marriage or relationship?
Imagine yourself in a Marriage where a supportive, encouraging and smile producing love reigns.
- What would your life look like?
- How much energy would you have?
- How much better would you sleep at night?
- How much more productive would you be?
It’s pretty obvious, is it not?
Avoid Your Marriage Becoming a Cancer
I’ve seen it over and over: a Marriage filled with fear and emotional distance is like a cancer that slowly eats away at the confidence, joy and productivity of both. And, unfortunately, let’s include the children in on that as well.
How much would you be willing to give to commit to make a strong Marriage happen?
I thought of offering the Marriage Building Online Course for $1.000.00 – or more (and maybe someday I will.)
A Healthy Strong Marriage is like Gold
A strong Marriage is critical, without doubt, absolutely worth more than a grand.
And to be honest, I bring a wealth of experience and wisdom to the table. I value the education and experience that brings me to this point in my life.
The “Marriage Building Online Course” is like the best, most effective Marriage Counseling on steroids – ten fold.
And, you know the cost and hassle of therapy, let alone it being a crap shoot for helping.
So, I could charge a great deal, with everything pointing in that direction.
A Hurting Marriage Means a Hurting Checkbook
But, I’m also committed to offering my wisdom to as many in the world as possible. (This became my vision when starting on the internet, seeing the internet as an amazing platform to reach people around the globe.)
Here’s another factor: not everyone has a checkbook exploding with free money. Maybe some day, but a hurting Marriage often means a hurting checkbook. (See my words about productivity above.)
So, I settled on $147 as the price for access to the “Marriage Building Online Course,” to me, a fair deal.
I think you would agree.
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Check the Add to Cart Button and within 5-10 minutes receive an email with the login URL, your Username and Password.
A Peek Inside the Course
If you have a couple minutes, watch this video. I will briefly walk you through the structure and content of the Course.
Lifetime Access
The Course is not finished, and may never be!
I have a list of 5-10 Tools I will add.
Any additions I make will be yours, with no extra charge.
For life you will have access, to continually fine tune your Marriage or relationship.
Again, here’s your chance to sign up now.
Perks + Bonus Items
I’ve added a couple of Perks in addition to the Modules.
These 2 Gifts are Added as Bonuses and will
Accelerate Marriage Building
Taking the first step to heal, build and restore yourself and your marriage or relationship may seem daunting and confusing.
It’s nice to have someone there who knows the territory and offers support.
So, to provide support and continue to open a new world of love for you, I’m also giving you access to the Support Group Module and the Image Quotes Module.
The Support Group Module
This Module invites you to join a private online group where you meet like minded folks who also use Charging Neutral and are committed to rebuilding their marriage or relationship.
You learn from others. You will get the practical heart felt support you need and desire.
I also frequent the group offering comments, suggestions and encouragement.
The Image Quotes Module
To be frank, much of what you are taught and absorb about love and marriage is at best misleading and at worst harmful to you and your marriage.
You must change your thinking about love and marriage. You must create new brain cells and discover new ideas and concepts that enable you to find a love that is lasting and true.
The Image Quotes Module offers dozens of quotes, complete with attractive images, I created over the past 5 years. These thought provoking and mind altering quotes keep you on track to lasting and true love.
Personal Coaching
Part of serving you is offering personal coaching.
I will be available (with additional cost) for support, guidance and assist you in incorporating the LOVE LAWS and rebuilding your Marriage and/or yourself.
Oh, there’s one more thing.
This is a No-Brainer!
I guarantee my work.
You receive a 100% money back guarantee. No questions asked.
Your order is safe with Dr. Huizenga
Get Instant access – even at 2am – Guranteed!
Join the Hundreds of Others Who Were Able to Turn
Their Marriage, Relationship and Life Around
I want you to know that your course helped me far more than any of the others because it was straight forward, real and doable. I am constantly going back to refresh myself with things to think about. It’s a great resource to see just how far I’ve come. I am an educated professional and was skeptical. But your advice is wise, anticipates my questions and is reassuring.
Thank you for being a voice of confidence, assurance, and guidance in this quagmire. At last somebody who was giving practical advice, somebody who called ‘a spade, a spade’, somebody who, above all, never gave up on me and understood my dilemma and my hesitance to order over the internet.
Your writings have not only saved my marriage, but also my life. My pain is still not over, as I discovered that my wife of 20 years has been having long term affairs on the side for 17 of these years, including the period over which we were having children. Your members area helped tremendously to understand her problems as well as mine. My new business is thriving and we are still together. And perhaps for the first time we are ‘really’ together.
I am at a point in the marriage where I felt that it had to move and go somewhere or it would consume me. I once again found myself at this site and it is immensely helpful, honest and hits you with the right language which, in turn, is refreshing from other therapies in which the truth and the reality of the situation is unveiled and verified. * In contrast to the fluffy filling therapists often try to fill you with without letting the true validation surface.
Thank you for the specific examples in the checklists. I felt immediately like the material was relevant to my specific situation and it empowered me to believing in and then following your instructions closely. Thank You!!
Easy read. Well written. Calms the anxious mind. Interesting to learn about marriage “myths” and wrong ideas. No wonder things weren’t’ getting better when I was going down the laundry list of fixing his complaints!
The best part is I don’t have to work at it. There is a process and a system – it makes everything easier.
Sharon says, Charging neutral is the way I can keep anxiety and emotional reactions out of the picture.
Your order is safe with Dr. Huizenga
Get Instant access – even at 2am – Guranteed!
So, do so now.
I look forward to serving you.
Bob
P.S. Do you have an inkling for the #1 Marriage Killer? After you find results and relief from the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Module, go to the Beginners Module where I go into detail on the #1 Killer. It WILL make sense to you.
P.S.S. I want to offer hope. Countless couples have come to me at the end of their rope. The “D” word had been raised and they are desperate. They also think that turning their marriage around is a long, awful and painful process. It need not be that way, IF you relax, begin to reprogram your thinking and slowly reconnect in fresh ways.
