What to Do if Your Spouse
Plays Possum
How to Find Life and Love in Your Marriage
Dr Huizenga here.
If you are hurting with a broken marriage and unresponsive spouse, please read this carefully.
I will expose the #1 Factor that KILLS a marriage and offer the Tools and Knowledge to overcome that factor.
Sadly, only 1.2% of the population gets what truly KILLS a marriage (according to my research.)
What Kills Your Marriage is NOT What You Think
Which of these do you think TRULY KILLS a marriage?
- Anger/conflict
- Sex/Porn
- Bad/Hurtful Communication
- Growing Apart
- Money
- Infidelity
The correct answer: none of the above.
The Root Cause, the Killing Factor lies deeper.
Sadly this Killer is not adequately addressed by self help people or even the therapeutic community.
They focus on symptoms or “treatment,” or fixing the problem rather than offering a long lasting cure.
What Kills Your Marriage is NOT What You Think
Before we move deeper, I want to tell you about my dog, Bear.
Bear is an Australian Shepherd, Blue Merle.
Bear is smart and needs plenty of stimulation. He’s laying under my desk as I write this. If I move back to stretch, he will jump up and want to play.
I live by a Nature Preserve and after dark unleash him into the Preserve. He takes off and begins to explore.
The other night I watched as he spied a creature moving in the dark a few yards ahead.
He sprinted to the creature and soon overtook it.
I scurried up and before Bear was an opossum, assuming a dead-like fetal position.
Bear barked at it. Nothing. No movement whatsoever.
Bear sniffed at it, his nose running over the brown hair. Nothing.
Bear took his paw and moved it across the belly. Nothing.
Bear whined, ran around and around the Opossum and Nothing.
He finally got bored, I guess, and took off after something else.
We came back later, and, of course, the opossum was gone.
Opossums truly do “play possum” and they excel at it.
The interaction of Bear and the Opossum reminds me of marriage.
Is Your Spouse Playing Dead?
Your spouse is playing dead.
You’ve poked and podded, barked, ran around and around trying to elicit an emotional connection and Nothing.
Maybe you get anger and drama, but that too seems like a death grip.
You may have tried date nights every Friday night, you have marriage self help books stacked by your bed, you booked a romantic get away, you intentionally tried a highly recommended communication technique for a week and you may have taken the step of seeing a therapist.
And still, they continue to play possum.
Oh, they may pop to life for a while, but before you now it they sit in a corner curled in their fetal position – no life – no connection.
At a minimum you are weary and emotionally drained with the prodding and probing.
You’ve run out of ideas.
And you are perhaps about ready to run down a different trail.
Your Spouse is Merely Wired and Programmed
But, before we get too down on Playing Possum, consider this:
The Opossum merely responds instinctually, to what they have been wired to do to remain alive, and they are very good at it.
And, here’s the kicker: your spouse is merely doing what they have been programmed and wired to do to protect themselves from what they perceive to be emotional hurt, pain or threat.
Your Spouse is
NOT a Bad Person
Far from it.
There is much Love within them, which longs to be expressed – a fundamental belief I’ve developed after working with hundreds of couples. (And, men have just as much desire to experience true love a woman, although it often does not seem like it.)
No Dysfunction… Just Looking for Love
You are not a bad or inadequate person.
You merely want love, and as well, bring with you programming that gets in your way.
Your Marriage is not dysfunctional or broken and in need of “fixing:” it merely is waiting for love to emerge when different “rules” are followed.
There is no badness, dysfunction or pathology.
You, your spouse and your marriage is just STUCK.
Unfortunately, as you keep living by the same “rules” and thinking the same old thoughts about marriage, love and each other you keep recycling the hurt, pain and fears.
And, you are emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, perhaps almost ready to throw in the towel.
Let me assure you: the love and life in your marriage is there – it’s merely covered and waiting for you to discover it.
How You Uncover and Discover Love and Life
in Your Marriage
So, the HUGE question: How Do You Do That????
My approach which developed over the years with over 25,000 intentional hours sitting in my chair, observing, learning and guiding couples as well as piles of books, seminars and professional workshops is different.
The traditional approach starts with the individual and says something is wrong.
- Something is wrong with your spouse, so drag them by the ear into therapy and once “fixed,” your problem will go away. (Ever wonder why some have therapy phobia!!)
- Or, something is wrong with you, so become more attractive and you will win back your spouse.
- Or, you need to perform better, usually sexually or verbally – learn this new technique or skill that will knock the socks off your spouse.
- Or, something is wrong with your marriage, so get counseling, talk about your problems and get your “feelings” out on the table and it will be better
I was trained in Marital and Family Systems Theory (and know it works.)
- Don’t start with the one labeled as “sick.” (Know what happens? The “sick” person controls. Just TRY to make me better! They have an investment in being ‘sick.”)
- Change does not come from an outside source: change comes from within, naturally and easily.
- Who you are is often more important than what you need or what you do.
- Change the “rules” and the marriage (or system) cannot not change.
(BTW, when I served on the State Board for Marriage and Family Therapy in the 90s I saw the shift away from Systems theory to individual theory, even among so called Marriage and Family Therapists – to me, a major reason why the divorce rate is still 50% and 95% of couples are miserable.) More on that later, perhaps.
Over the past 5 years I’ve spent considerable time studying, reflecting and researching my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist and created the “Marriage Building Online Course.”
You can Turn Your Marriage Around Quickly
I noted that those who were able to successfully Build or Rebuild their Marriage or relationship of emotional investment followed 3 Steps, which I incorporated into my course.
It’s vital to first RELAX. When you are tense and on edge, you tend to react. And when you react it’s not usually pretty.
You must unlearn most of what you’ve learned about love and marriage. You must REPROGRAM your thinking.
And then you are ready to RECONNECT in new ways. You start over. You don’t go back.
The 3 Rs of Marriage Building
The first module in the “Marriage Building Online Course” is called the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Module.
I noted in my practice that often when couples left my office they felt a tremendous amount of relief.
I noted that I did not focus on their “problem,” their needs or what they should do. (I seldom gave “assignments.)
But, I was aware of subtly teaching and enabling one (one usually wanted to be there, the other more reluctant) to use a specific Tool that often triggered relief for both of them.
I designed the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” around this Tool and a secondary Tool to help you find Relief and get Results.
There seems to be this myth that Changing a Marriage takes weeks and perhaps months to drudge your way through all the garbage until you come out on the other side.
Not true. (Well, if you use the individual approach, this probably is true.)
Your success is important to me. And I want you to know what success feels and looks like, right off the bat!
Warning: Relief and Results are Temporary
Warning: the Relief and Results you experience with the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Modules are temporary.
You soon will be thrust back into the old garbage.
Why?
At this point, you lack the foundation of understanding, awareness and knowledge it takes to maintain love and life in your marriage.
You slide back to the old assumptions about yourself, your spouse and marriage that generated the disconnect.
It’s as if you are controlled by unknown powerful forces (from the unconscious that pull both of you back to the misery.)
And so, you move to the “Intensive Marriage Building Modules,” whose purpose is to create that foundation for you.
You cannot maintain love and life if you live by a fear-based love (much more on that in the Module after “Quick Marriage Turn Around”) that you see in movies, on TV, in books on marriage and even in the therapeutic community.
You need an understanding, awareness and knowledge to freely experience a love which runs deep and lasts longer.
You Don’t Want the Sizzle and then Fizzle
You want to know and trust deep in your heart, that when you spouse says, “I Love You,” you are dwelling in a sacred wonderful place.
Follow the 3 LOVE LAWS outlined in the Beginners Module of the Intensive Modules and this wonderful place becomes your place.
Is Your Spouse Acting Like Their Parent?
- Are you seeing the transformation in your spouse from the person you loved to a person closely resembling the parent they swore up and down they would never become?
- Do you know why your marriage may have one good day followed by two absolutely miserable days/
- Do you know why you keep repeating the same stinky marital garbage, able to predict with uncanny accuracy how your spouse will respond, down to the same words they will use over and over?
Putting a band-aid on your marital disconnect with a date night, romantic get away or the most recent communication trick will not last.
You MUST get to the CORE issue that keeps producing heart aches and head aches.
How to Get to THE CORE
In the Intermediate Module I’ve developed the 11 Step FORMULA that goes deep, addressing the underlying CORE concerns.
The FORMULA is terribly liberating and you don’t need months of regressive or psychoanalytic therapy.
You Can’t and Don’t Want to Go Back
I hear it frequently: “We want to recapture the love we once had.”
Sorry, folks, you can’t go back.
That love, as powerful as it was, had its place and purpose, but now in this stage of your marriage (stages found in the Intermediate Module) you need a richer fuller love.
You will reconnect with your spouse.
You start over.
You create something new.
There is absolutely no need to go back.
Reconnecting with an EASIER LOVE
The Advanced Module moves you toward reconnecting (if indeed you want to) with a deeper, richer and EASIER Love.
I give you the backbone of a strong marriage in the Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced Modules.
There is More – Building New Brain Cells
There is more, much more, that helps you build new Brain Cells about Love and Marriage.
Most people know more about how their cell phone functions than their marriage.
This will not be you.
The fog will lift and this thing called Marriage
will take on a new meaning, purpose and
understanding as you study these topics:
- Situational and Long Term Reasons for
Marital Crisis - Steps to Take When Your Emotional
Survival is at Stake - 21 Shifts You Want to Make
- Why Marriages Fail
- The Power of Distinctions
- The Strength of the Sensitive Person
- Decision Points in a Marriage
- How to Understand Your Spouse
- 8 Critical Keys to Saving a Marriage
- How to Withhold Judgment
- The Red, Yellow or Green Marriage
- The Appting Strategy
- Engaging Your Spouse: Parts 1-8
- The Top 10 Dangerous Ideas about Marriage
Yes, I want access to the “Marriage Building Online Course” for $147
Get Instant Access to the “Marriage Building Online Course”
Your Marriage is EXTREMELY Valuable
How valuable is a healthy Marriage or relationship?
Imagine yourself in a Marriage where a supportive, encouraging and smile producing love reigns.
- What would your life look like?
- How much energy would you have?
- How much better would you sleep at night?
- How much more productive would you be?
It’s pretty obvious, is it not?
Avoid Your Marriage Becoming a Cancer
I’ve seen it over and over: a Marriage filled with fear and emotional distance is like a cancer that slowly eats away at the confidence, joy and productivity of both. And, unfortunately, let’s include the children in on that as well.
How much would you be willing to give to commit to make a strong Marriage happen?
I thought of offering the Marriage Building Online Course for $1.000.00 – or more (and maybe someday I will.)
A Healthy Strong Marriage is like Gold
A strong Marriage is critical, without doubt, absolutely worth more than a grand.
And to be honest, I bring a wealth of experience and wisdom to the table. I value the education and experience that brings me to this point in my life.
The “Marriage Building Online Course” is like the best, most effective Marriage Counseling on steroids – ten fold.
And, you know the cost and hassle of therapy, let alone it being a crap shoot for helping.
So, I could charge a great deal, with everything pointing in that direction.
A Hurting Marriage Means a Hurting Checkbook
But, I’m also committed to offering my wisdom to as many in the world as possible. (This became my vision when starting on the internet, seeing the internet as an amazing platform to reach people around the globe.)
Here’s another factor: not everyone has a checkbook exploding with free money. Maybe some day, but a hurting Marriage often means a hurting checkbook. (See my words about productivity above.)
So, I settled on $147 as the price for access to the “Marriage Building Online Course,” to me, a fair deal.
I think you would agree.
Yes, I want access to the “Marriage Building Online Course” for $147
Get Instant Access to the “Marriage Building Online Course”
Check the Add to Cart Button and within 5-10 minutes receive an email with the login URL, your Username and Password.
A Peek Inside the Course
If you have a couple minutes, watch this video. I will briefly walk you through the structure and content of the Course.
When You Will be Finished
The Course is not finished, and may never be!
I have a list of 5-10 Tools I will add.
Any additions I make will be yours, with no extra charge.
For life you will have access, to continually fine tune your Marriage or relationship.
Again, here’s your chance to sign up now.
Perks + Bonus Items – I’ve added a couple of Perks in addition to the Modules.
Private Group
You are not alone. Access to the Course also includes a private online group where you share concerns, questions or just hang out.
We do learn from each other.
Reprogram through Inspirational Image Quotes
You also have access to almost 200 inspirational image quotes. The quotes are vital in helping you form those new Brain Cells to Reprogram your mind and heart and to internalize the LOVE LAWS.
Personal Coaching
Part of serving you is offering personal coaching.
I will be available (with additional cost) for support, guidance and assist you in incorporating the LOVE LAWS and rebuilding your Marriage and/or yourself.
Oh, there’s one more thing.
This is a No-Brainer!
I guarantee my work.
ou receive a 100% money back guarantee. No questions asked.
Yes, I want access to the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Module for only $27.00
Get Instant access to the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Module – Guaranteed!
So, do so now.
I look forward to serving you.
Bob
P.S. Do you have an inkling for the #1 Marriage Killer? After you find results and relief from the “Quick Marriage Turn Around” Module, go to the Beginners Module where I go into detail on the #1 Killer. It WILL make sense to you.
P.S.S. I want to offer hope. Countless couples have come to me at the end of their rope. The “D” word had been raised and they are desperate. They also think that turning their marriage around is a long, awful and painful process. It need not be that way, IF you relax, begin to reprogram your thinking and slowly reconnect in fresh ways.
