One in a marriage or relationship of emotional investment is ALWAYS (instead of confronting your spouse) running away or distancing self or putting on the brakes, at some point, with communication, intimacy, closeness and the process of knowing and being known.
In 80% of the marriages you can count on this process. It’s usually men who run, but that is not always true.
Running is a lifelong pattern. If you run, it’s a pattern of coping that you developed early in your life, refined and perfected.
Please know it IS important to run sometimes. Running may protect one’s self. Running may be a way to set boundaries that ensure one’s well being. Running may provide space for you to develop you, to focus on skill development or enable you to pursue more fully your passion and life’s purpose.
Running emotionally away in a marriage or relationship of emotional investment often is problematic. If you run, it is almost guaranteed that your spouse will chase. This, for many marriages and relationships becomes a dance or game that continues throughout the life of the marriage.
The frustration may build and the marriage usually reaches a crisis point. The pursuing – distancing game accelerates. Frequently, the pursuing spouse gives up and conveys, “I’ve had it! Enough is enough! I NO longer will chase after you.” (S/he may have an affair or withdraw or pursue fully his/her own interests, etc.)
Once the pursuer stops pursuing the runner reaches a panic state (the balance of the marriage and his/her coping pattern is threatened) and becomes the pursuer. Interesting!
To stop running and achieve a healthier emotional balance in the marriage or relationship the runner has the option of exploring more fully the desire and purpose that running serves. Once the underlying motives are acknowledged the runner experiences internal freedom and no longer has a strong desire to run.
So, what are some of those reasons you might avoid confronting your spouse?
Here are just a few:
- I fear talking will stir feelings of being put down
- I believe I can’t talk as well as you
- I don’t know how to respond to your feelings and thoughts
- I’m afraid I will feel the tension and freeze
- I’m afraid I will feel the tension and lash out
- I’m afraid I will feel the tension and say something stupid
- I’m concerned that old painful feelings will emerge
- I am afraid of conflict
In my ebook, “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking” – 27 days to create a love you can TRUST” I outline 42 underlying motives why someone develops a pattern of running.
I also give exercises to help you, the runner, move from running and hiding to confronting your spouse quietly, calmly and firmly in way that gives honor, dignity and results for both.
For more information go to: http://www.saveamarriageforever.com/ebook.htm
Blog Topic: Confronting your Spouse